When the sun sets, most people are settling down for the night. Winding down after a hard day and looking forward to their bed. My brain works in the opposite way, as soon as it gets dark my anxiety wakes up and decides to wreak havoc. It’s like everything I’ve ever worried about is suddenly the most important thing in the world, my brain starts going over scenarios in my head and it’s like listening to a hundred radios all at once. My Fiancé dreads night time because I become so on edge and so stressed. I’ll be worrying about something in my head and he’ll just look at me and say “You’re doing it again”.
It doesn’t help when my depression then decides to put it’s opinions into the frame as well, it’s like spending time with two people I really don’t like but I have to put up with and there is no way to shut it up or turn it off.
I go to bed and lie in the darkness thinking about such bizarre things like how many ways I could potentially die that night, all those embarrassing moments and how I could have acted differently and saved myself the humiliation, how am I going to afford to keep living if I can’t work, does my Doctor secretly hate me, could the oven potentially light itself and set fire to the flat. Sometimes I wake up suddenly in the night because I remember I haven’t done my homework…..then realise I am 23 and left school six years ago!
I can laugh about it when I wake up but in the dark while everyone else is sleeping peacefully, it’s not funny and it’s painful because I don’t want to fall asleep worrying about every issue I could possibly have, I don’t want to feel on edge and scared. But no matter how much I try and tell my brain that it needs to stop and rest, it doesn’t.
Anxiety is awful, it brings out the worst, makes you see things that are abnormal, it makes you believe things that aren’t true and there is no way to rationalise, all you can do is suffer through it and hope that eventually your body will become so exhausted it forces your mind to shut up.