Depression likes to sneak into your life and isolate you, which is why I refer to it as the Jealous Friend. It’s like that friend who craves all your attention, the one who gets upset if you spend time with someone else and who does anything they can to turn other people against you so it’s just you and them.
Before my depression became bad, I had a good group of friends. It was a small group of five or six but we were a team. College was made so much better because I had people who I enjoyed seeing and with this group of friends, I made memories that will always be with me. I enjoyed going on nights out with them, planning trips away, going camping and shopping. When we finished college we all planned to do so much together and stay in touch, they were supposed to be my friends for life.
Then my Depression hit me hard and as I began to feel worse, the less messages I sent, the less I tried to stay in touch because Depression made me want to be alone, it made me feel like I didn’t want others around me. My friends would invite me for meet up’s and days out and Depression would say “You don’t want to go out, just stay here in bed and make an excuse”. I became the queen of excuses, to the point that my friends started to realise that I was lying. I didn’t know I was depressed and I didn’t want to tell anyone how I was feeling so I let my friends believe I just didn’t want to see them. Soon enough the invites stopped coming, I’d see photos on social media of their days out, see them smiling and having fun without me and you’d think it would make my depression happy, I was finally being left alone. Instead my Depression made me feel angry “Why aren’t they inviting you?” “They seem to be having fun without you, I bet they don’t even notice you’re not there” “They don’t miss you”. This for me was harder to take because I would see photos and status updates about all the things they were getting up to and I’d feel left out and forgotten which just fuelled my Depression.
One friend from college stuck with me, she realised what I was going through and she made sure that she stayed a part of my life which I’ll always be grateful for. My family stuck even closer to me and supported me.
I still miss those days though when I could just call up my friends and go out. The thing is I felt so horrible and miserable that I didn’t want people to see me like that, I didn’t want people to see how weak I was s I pushed them away however I could. It’s still something that I do, something I can’t stop doing. Depression doesn’t like me to have friends who make me feel better because then for just a moment I feel better, I feel good and that’s not allowed. Depression will do whatever it has to do to isolate you, it will make you a liar, it will make you cold and mean, anything to push people out of your life, so it has you all too yourself.
So if you’re reading this and you know someone suffering with depression, please be patient. Don’t let them push you away, even if it seems they don’t want you around, stick with them because it’s not nice to be alone with Depression.