So today I had an appointment with my GP who’s always been a strong support figure for me, I saw a lot of Doctors but she was the only one who really saw how depression was affecting me. The last few months have been tough, I had go back on antidepressants again because I wasn’t coping without them. I really wanted to get off them and be strong enough to cope but after a couple of months, my mood started to decline quite a lot and I knew I was at risk without them.
Seeing my GP today, I told her how I was felling very low and how my Chronic Fatigue was playing up, she was shocked to hear I am sleeping 10 hours at night and then four or five during the day. What surprised me is when she looked at me and said “You don’t look well” and it was the first time someone had said that to me. Depression is an invisible illness and it’s hard when no one can see how you are suffering inside but she took one look at me and knew I wasn’t myself, it was comforting.
My suicide attempts took place at a very low time for me and my GP voiced her worry that I was getting near that point again. I’m sleeping a lot, not eating properly, not leaving the house. It really shocked me that I hadn’t seen these things, I thought I’d become good at realising when my depression was getting worse but until my GP asked me certain questions like “Are you leaving the house?”, “Are you eating regular meals?” “Are you having more bad days than good?” “Are you sleeping normally?” and all my answers solidified what she was thinking and made me realise that I had completely missed the signs. I’ve stopped looking after myself, I’ve isolated myself from others, I’ve lost my motivation and enjoyment of things.
She seemed keen at this point to recommend seeing a psychiatrist. I’ve been offered this before but never agreed, mainly because when I was in hospital after overdosing, I spoke to a psychiatrist and found it a really demeaning and shameful experience, I felt judged and not taken seriously. I’ve done what the NHS call Good Thinking which is a free therapy service, I went through this three times and was given CBT every time, it never worked. So at this point the only place my GP thinks will benefit my severe Depression/Chronic Fatigue is a psychiatrist and I’m at the point where I will try anything.
The whole appointment with my GP made me realise that I’m not as good at seeing my own Depression as I thought I was, it’s a very sneaky condition and it somehow gets past your defences. Hopefully seeing a psychiatrist will open some new paths for me though, it seems like I’ll be living with this forever sometimes and I don’t want to feel like this for the rest of my life.