How do you notice Depression.

How do you notice Depression.

So today I had an appointment with my GP who’s always been a strong support figure for me, I saw a lot of Doctors but she was the only one who really saw how depression was affecting me.  The last  few months have been tough, I had go back on antidepressants again because I wasn’t coping without them.  I really wanted to get off them and be strong enough to cope but after a couple of months, my mood started to decline quite a lot and I knew I was at risk without them.

Seeing my GP today, I told her how I was felling very low and how my Chronic Fatigue was playing up, she was shocked to hear I am sleeping 10 hours at night and then four or five during the day.  What surprised me is when she looked at me and said “You don’t look well” and it was the first time someone had said that to me.  Depression is an invisible illness and it’s hard when no one can see how you are suffering inside but she took one look at me and knew I wasn’t myself, it was comforting.

My suicide attempts took place at a very low time for me and my GP voiced her worry that I was getting near that point again. I’m sleeping a lot, not eating properly, not leaving the house.  It really shocked me that I hadn’t seen these things, I thought I’d become good at realising when my depression was getting worse but until my GP asked me certain questions like “Are you leaving the house?”, “Are you eating regular meals?” “Are you having more bad days than good?” “Are you sleeping normally?” and all my answers solidified what she was thinking and made me realise that I had completely missed the signs.  I’ve stopped looking after myself, I’ve isolated myself from others, I’ve lost my motivation and enjoyment of things.

She seemed keen at this point to recommend seeing a psychiatrist.  I’ve been offered this before but never agreed, mainly because when I was in hospital after overdosing, I spoke to a psychiatrist and found it a really demeaning and shameful experience, I felt judged and not taken seriously.  I’ve done what the NHS call Good Thinking which is a free therapy service, I went through this three times and was given CBT every time, it never worked.  So at this point the only place my GP thinks will benefit my  severe Depression/Chronic Fatigue is a psychiatrist and I’m at the point where I will try anything.

The whole appointment with my GP made me realise that I’m not as good at seeing my own Depression as I thought I was, it’s a very sneaky condition and it somehow gets past your defences.  Hopefully seeing a psychiatrist will open some new paths for me though, it seems like I’ll be living with this forever sometimes and I don’t want to feel like this for the rest of my life.

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5 thoughts on “How do you notice Depression.

  1. I know how it feels very well and can relate and sympathise. I usually start off eating a lot of junk food, staring at the TV for hours, avoiding all phone calls, people and situations. I sleep 15-20 hours a day and don’t care. I don’t take care of my hygiene or eat or drink enough. I self medicate with benzodiazepines. And I obsess about everything in my past and worry constantly about the future. I often think of overdosing several times a day. I do see a physiatrist but we can not seem to find the right meds since last year when my Paxil stopped working. I wish you the very, very best. A physiatrist can definitely help. This is an awful time of year too. My depression always gets worse in the winter. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Heather, this illness is beyond sneaky, it’s a ninja x 1000 times, people who are depressed always feel like they are totally alone, they feel like no one cares about them… and while it’s true in few cases more often than not it is not. People care about depressed souls, people wanna help you but biologically your brain does everything that it can to make you think otherwise, it’s like some people put on rose tinted glasses… depression makes you put on the darkest tinted glasses you can find out there and all of us depressed people believe that reality is that way, we don’t have a clue we are wearing those dark tinted glasses, it seems like a “norm” to us but it’s simply not true.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Please listen to this if you have 20 free minutes of your daily life, this women has suffered from depression since she was 6 or 7 years old and she pretty much devoted her life to figuring this illness out, listening to this can really give you a better and more clear perspective on our illness.

    Like always, best wishes Heather, keep going.

    Like

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