Suicide: It’s complicated

Suicide: It’s complicated

Suicide isn’t an easy thing to talk about and I find it really hard to explain my motives behind attempting suicide in the past. A lot of people view suicide as the cowards way out, because you’re choosing to give up instead of keep fighting through whatever it is you’re going through. Suicide isn’t an easy decision to make, it’s the hardest thing I ever did.  The first time, I sat for hours staring at the bottle of alcohol and pills, trying to get the courage up to just do it.  It wasn’t the right decision, I’m not advertising suicide as the way to go because it’s a horrible way to go and it will effect so many people around you, there is always another way.

Suicide is selfish.  All I remember my Mum saying was “Why would you do this?” “Why would you be so stupid?” “How do you think this affects me, how do you think I would have felt if you’d died?” and my Mum is now left with this lifelong worry and doubt, because I made a decision based only on my own feelings.  When those suicidal thoughts hit, no one else mattered to me, I just wanted it to end, I wanted to stop feeling so down and hopeless, I felt useless and like people would be better off without me anyway.  I didn’t think about how my family would feel if it worked, I definitely didn’t think about how it would affect them if I lived through it.  But that is what happened and now my family always have that worry in the back of their minds.

Despite this, I went on to attempt suicide twice more and even now, when I see a box of tablets, the thought enters my mind to take them.  I wish I knew why this was, why does suicide take over my life, why do I keep coming back to it as an option.  It took nearly dying to make me realise I wanted to live but when my depression takes over, I don’t remember that.  I don’t remember that my family love me, or that I have things to look forward too.  All I can think of is the peace death would bring, no more medication or feeling so ill and hopeless everyday, no more doctors trying to work out why my brain is making me feel this way, no more pain, no more struggling.  But what about the people who love me? My suicide would break their hearts, am I not then subjecting them to the depression and feeling of hopelessness that I feel everyday?  Why can’t I see that when I’m feeling at my lowest, why can’t I see that suicide isn’t the way.

It’s because suicide isn’t rational or logical, it isn’t a decision made based on knowledge or rational thinking.  It’s a decision based on emotion and emotions are extremely hard to ignore.  The reason I attempted suicide is because at the time and in that moment, it seemed like the better option, it seemed like the only way to end the pain because living with depression is so hard, it’s tiring and it wears you down.  On a better day like today, I can think properly, my mind isn’t filled with that little voice that is depression, telling me to give up.  On a day like today, I see that suicide is not a decision I should make, it’s selfish and I have a lot to live for.  I have a loving and supportive family, I have a fiancé who loves me and tries his hardest to make me happy.  I am a young woman who has depression but it doesn’t define me, I can fight and I will fight through it.  I have to hope that one day it won’t affect me so badly, one day I will be better and it will be worth the struggle.

Suicide is an issue that is ignored because it’s easier to do so.  Suicide is an issue which needs to be addressed because no one should ever have to feel like they would rather be dead.  No one should have to feel that feeling just before they attempt to kill themselves.  For anyone reading this who thinks suicide is the only way to find peace, it isn’t.  I don’t know you or your situation but life is precious, it can be so short and taken so easily.  Life is a chance to do something and be someone, it’s a chance to find happiness and even though it seems like you never be happy, you will.  It may take a while and at times feel pointless but you have to fight and you can’t let depression win because I really believe we’re all put on this earth for a reason.  Think of he people who love you, think of what you’d be giving up, think of how it would affect people around you and fight.  It will get better one day, hope is a powerful thing.

 

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8 thoughts on “Suicide: It’s complicated

  1. Thank you for this, it is a hard subject to talk about and I really relate to what you said. I look back and wonder how I even contemplated the terminal option, but these are good days so hindsight is a luxury. Take care, D.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I hope things get better for you. Suicide is a very touchy subject and too many people are too quick to judge. Have you ever read All the Bright Places? It’s an awesome book. I think they are going to make it into a movie this year.
    Keep hanging on! Good luck.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve had a hard recently being involved with someone who constantly expressed her suicidal ideations. It’s hard enough being me, and dealing with my issues, let alone taking that upon myself. Suicide is a sticky subject. I personally have considered it, but never attempted it. I don’t want to die and so I keep pushing on. My ex however, has attempted it, and I pray she’ll have the strength to carry on without me. Still, sometimes I feel like a coward for being breaking things off but I’m too weak right now to help someone else, especially if they won’t help themselves.

    Good luck to you. I wish you the best and for better days.

    Like

    1. Sometimes we have to put our own well being first and remove yourself from a situation which may cause us more harm. You’ve made a hard decision and hopefully it will be the right one for you and her. Thank you for commenting x

      Liked by 1 person

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