New Year…Same Me.

New Year…Same Me.

Over the past week, I’ve seen so many posts online about people making new goals and resolutions and I find it really frustrating.  I find the whole New Year period depressing.  Since I was a child I would stay up until midnight and make a wish as the clock struck, to make more friends, to fit in more, to be more confident, to do better at school etc.  As I got older the wishes stopped and the resolutions started, be more confident with people, start working out, find happiness, get a job.  But the past five years, New Years has become more and more depressing for me.  I wish I could wait for the clock to strike midnight and say “This year, I won’t be depressed”, “This year I will leave my anxiety behind”, “This year, my chronic fatigue won’t stop me”.

The truth of the matter though is I can’t make these things go away.  Chronic Illness doesn’t just go away when a new year begins, it follows you.  Sure I could make smaller resolutions like “take up a new hobby”, “eat healthier”, “start planning for the wedding” but it just all seems so useless to me and I know that eventually I will be disappointed because I didn’t accomplish these things and compared to the bigger issues I have in my life, it just seems meaningless.  I see all these people on social media making their wishes and dreams for the new year and now that for most people, it will end up failing, being forgotten in a few months or disappointing and I don’t have room for any more failed wishes and disappointment in my life so I don’t do anything for New Years.

I also happen to have my birthday on the 10th of January and that’s another year older, another year that I failed to accomplish anything and another year of failed attempts and self hatred.  So January for me is a depressing month, it’s a month that if I wasn’t ill or hadn’t seen the lowest points in life, I would maybe look forward too and enjoy.

I envy people that can just make a resolution and do it, without anything holding them back, they’re lucky.  Unfortunately, depression doesn’t take a day off and it sticks to you like glue, pretty the same way anxiety does.  Maybe my Chronic Fatigue will improve, maybe the medical society will finally discover something that can help but I’ll still have lost two years of my life to it, it’s still held me back and in turn, made my depression double.

For me 2017 is another year of all kinds of medication, low periods of depression, frustration at being judged by others because my illnesses are invisible.  Another year of hoping to be able to get a job but being halted by my anxiety and fatigue, another year with pain that has no source and painkillers that don’t work.  It’s depressing but I have to learn to look forward to small things, seeing my family, having a really supportive fiancé who looks after me, having a GP that does everything she can to give me hope and teaching my niece that the world can be a magical place, even if I haven’t experienced it.

So to everyone with a Chronic Illness this year, stay strong and keep fighting.

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