I noticed today’s word prompt is privacy and it got me thinking. This blog is a way for me to vent how I am feeling and be honest about my depression and anxiety without feeling scared of what people think. I don’t know why it’s easier to talk about how I feel here rather than in person but it is. In my normal life, I’m a very private person and I don’t like anyone knowing things about me.
With my depression and anxiety, I’ve been referred to talking therapy a few times where I could go through CBT and talk about my feelings in order to change my mind set and hopefully get better. Talking therapy for me is a nightmare and subsequently has never worked for me. I used to dread going and when I was in a session, I would say whatever I needed to get out of there fast, even if it wasn’t the truth.
I don’t like to be the centre of attention and I find it hard to talk about my feelings, I don’t even tell my family or Fiancé what I’m feeling most of the time because I just feel like, why burden someone else. To me, my issues are my issues and I don’t want to tell other people how I am feeling in case they turn around and say “That’s it?”. I never had a big tragic event to trigger my depression, it just became something that affected me and people find that hard to deal with sometimes. I know there are a lot of people in the world that have bigger issues like poverty, starvation, abuse, death etc. and I don’t want to seem selfish. My life is a good one and I don’t have a reason other than dodgy brain chemicals to be depressed, and it makes me feel like I shouldn’t complain, I should just keep it to myself and suffer alone.
So when I’m sent to someone to talk about my depression and the things that affect in, I find it extremely daunting and I find it impossible to convey just how much I’m suffering. I will simplify it and make it seem like I’m coping when I’m not because I don’t want to bother other people. In therapy I used to do whatever I could to get discharged, I learned the mood questionnaires and I caught on to what the therapist wanted to hear and said it, I made them think I was recovering and that therapy was working for me, because I wanted to be discharged and not cause a fuss or be the centre of attention.
I’ve recently been referred to a psychiatrist because my depression hasn’t improved in five years and I have a history of suicide attempts. Medication helps but when my mood gets too low, it’s ineffective and therapy has done nothing so now I have to go and see someone who is going to want me to talk about myself and my feelings. I want to get better and I want someone to help me but I’m stuck in that place where I want help but my anxiety about being a burden stops me from expressing myself.
Privacy to me is important because I like to keep things to myself and be self reliant but it also makes me very hard to get to know. Privacy makes me a very closed off person with a fear of being too much trouble and being judged for how I really feel. Privacy is a good thing but it’s also a problem that affects me every day.