My confidence and self esteem issues started in high school and have such a strong impact on me even now. it’s something that follows me and triggers my depression a lot, and in turn, my depression takes advantage of my low self esteem and makes me hate the person I am.
As a child, I was a complete attention seeker, always in front of the camera singing and dancing. I was confident and adventurous, I loved making friends and I was slightly tom boyish but happy with who I was. When I look back at photos and videos of myself back then, I feel a lot of things. I feel a happiness at seeing my old self and seeing how much I enjoyed life. I feel jealousy because I’d give anything to be that little girl again with all that confidence. I feel sadness because that little girl I was, isn’t here anymore and she didn’t deserve to be broken down and made to feel worthless.
High school can be a hard time of life for some, while for others it’s the best years of their life. My high school life was a mix of the two. On one hand I loved learning, I was a bookworm and I loved to soak up knowledge and express my opinions. On the other hand, my classmates made me dread going to school and that’s where I began to lose the confident, adventurous girl I was. I wouldn’t say I was bullied, I was never physically hurt by my classmates or singled out and targeted by a group of people. The problem was, I didn’t fit in anywhere and although I had friends, I drifted between groups and never really found my place which meant a lot of the time, I was left on my own. Group projects or gym class used to bring dread to my heart because I knew I’d always be the last to be picked. When paired with me, my classmate would snigger to their friends and complain in whispers because I was the quiet shy girl who always got on with the teachers and did well on schoolwork. To everyone else, I was uncool and no one wanted to be associated with that bookworm who actually enjoyed schoolwork. When speaking aloud in class, I became nervous and blushing had always been an issue, my classmates picked up on this and whenever I had to speak up, my classmates would laugh quietly to one another and whisper about how red I turned and how I would just look at the floor. Eventually I felt like my opinions and my voice wasn’t important and it was easier and safer to stay quiet and instead of answering teachers, just pretend I didn’t know the answer. I was always a bit tom boyish and the popular girls made comments about my clothes and asked me where I shopped, they’d giggle and judge me. The boys would make comments about how I wasn’t girly and eventually changed my name from Heather to Hector because they thought I was more of a boy.
I thought college was my chance at a new start but it was more of the same, I was quiet and shy so people found it easier to ignore me and pretend I didn’t exist. There was none of the teasing and insults that I’d experienced in high school but being ignored and rejected was the same. I’d end up sitting at a table in class all on my own because no one would sit near me, they thought I was odd because I wasn’t as confident and outspoken as them. I never got included in group work, the rest of the group would just talk amongst themselves and do the work without me. This was also a time in my life where I was bullied by a single person who chose to pick on the way I looked and my weight. I wasn’t overweight, I’d never been sporty or skinny and I’ve always been very short. Nevertheless, I’d always worried about my appearance and when a girl started to call me fat and post pictures of me on the internet with insulting names and comments about my weight, it really destroyed me and it was the final straw. I’d held on and tried so hard to fit in and be like everyone else but all I got was rejected, made fun of and ridiculed for being different. I hated myself so much at this point that self harming came easily to me, I wanted to hurt and scar the ugly person I was, I hated my body and my appearance so much that I physically sliced into my skin with knives or scissors to make the pain go away.
High school and college was a constant period of my life where I was ignored, left out and isolated by others because I was quiet and people didn’t want to know the shy, quiet bookworm. This left me feeling like I would never be good enough, that my life wasn’t important and that I was below everyone else.
I hate the person I am now. Lot’s of people are insecure about themselves and have things they wish they could change about the way they look. For me though, it’s a hatred of everything I see when I look in the mirror. I hate that I’m not skinny or in shape, I hate the my hair is frizzy and not straight, I hate that my nose isn’t straight because I broke it when I was 12. I hate the stretch marks on my skin, the way my skin never tans, the colour of my eyes, my chest size, my ugly feet. Everything about the way I look is disgusting to me, it physically makes me sick thinking about myself. And it’s not just on the outside but the inside too, the self loathing I feel because I’m not out going or bubbly, the feeling that I will always be that girl sat on my own because no one wants to know me. I’m worthless and not good enough, I don’t fit in anywhere and I’m just disgusting .
I look in the mirror and I feel sad, I feel broken and I feel disgust. No one knows how their words affect others, sometimes people speak without thinking. At school, no one thinks about how, they way you treat someone can affect them in the long run, it’s all just gossip and being cool. I just want someone to read this and think next time they see someone sitting on their own, next time you see someone being left out and ignored and make the effort. I wish that someone had made the effort to include me, even once.