My story begins at 18 when I was diagnosed with Depression. I had a decent life and good prospects for the future but my whole life I’d felt different, like I didn’t fit in anywhere. I was picked on at school and my self esteem was almost non existent. As a teenager I was shy and withdrawn, a big change from the happy, confident child I once was, but I always put it down to hormones. I didn’t know that as time would go on, my mental state would decline and eventually it would become so bad that I would turn to self harm to make myself feel better. I hated the way I looked and the person that I had become, I became sneaky and good at portraying a happy, excited young person when inside I was falling further and further down. Eventually my Mum caught on to what I was doing to myself and my GP became involved, I was put on antidepressants and I began to feel better….for a few months and then it would be like the medication had just stopped working, my medication would get changed or increased and again for a short while things would improve and then suddenly stop, I’d begin to sink again. This led to my first suicide attempt, a memory that still brings back extremely dark feelings. I promised myself after that I would never do that to myself again but I broke that promise a year later when I overdosed once again, the only decent thing is that I can’t remember that attempt, it’s a blur because of the tablets I took. Two years passed after that, I became stronger, went to therapy which I hated, it would give me hope for a few months and then I’d smarten up and tell the psychologist what they wanted to hear, I’d be discharged and on my own again. I started to work for the first time and I was proud of myself but once again my depression followed me and brought me down, the pressure of work and stress made me attempt to take my own life again at 21.
At 22 I met the man that is know my Fiancé and he supported me and pushed me to be better. His patience and understanding helped me cope. I caught Glandular Fever shortly after and some Doctors have suggested that Depression made me weaker and because my body was so run down I couldn’t fight the virus properly which is why I’ve now been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/Post Viral Syndrome. My body is in a constant state of fatigue, I can sleep for 10 hours at night and wake up feel just as exhausted as when I went to bed. My muscles and joints ache after a short amount of activity. I feel like a ninety year old woman has taken over my body and my depression still hovers over me, making me doubt my strength and hoping that I will give up again. My blog is my way of letting out my frustration, coping with the constant struggle and hopefully finding inspiration and support from people suffering in a similar way because of so tired of Fighting against my own body and mind alone.