Why did you try to kill yourself?

Why did you try to kill yourself?

Why did you try to kill yourself? It’s a question I dread and struggle to answer.  Suicide is an issue which is ignored too much, it’s easier for some people to ignore it and hope it goes away and the stigma that is attached to Suicide makes it a taboo subject.

I was first asked this question after my first overdose, I was in A&E and a Doctor came and asked me.  I remember feeling so ashamed and this defensive urge rose up in me, my reply was “I want to die, that’s usually why people commit suicide isn’t it?” and the Doctor went on to ask me “Why do you want to die?” and I couldn’t answer.  At the time I felt so annoyed, wasn’t it obvious why I wanted to kill myself?  Two more attempts after that and I still couldn’t answer the question.

It has been two years since my last attempt and I think finally I understand a bit more about the reasons behind my actions.  Suicide is an extremely hard thing to attempt, I’ve heard people call it the cowards way out but I think it’s extremely hard to come to terms with the fact that you don’t want to live anymore, that you don’t want to be in the world any longer.  I remember feeling like I was better off dead, that my family would be better off without me, I was a burden and wasn’t worth the time.  I hated myself so much, I hated who I’d become, I hated the way I looked, I hated that voice in my head that kept telling me there was no hope and I’d be alone for the rest of my life.  For me Suicide all came down to my self esteem, I had none, I thought I was worthless and had no future, I thought no one would ever love me and I couldn’t deal with a life like that.  I wanted the pain to stop, I wanted the voice in my head to shut up so I did it. I regret each attempt I made and I am very lucky that none of them worked because I now see what those attempts did to the people around me, the people that supported me.  Suicide is a selfish act, when you’re that depressed and at rock bottom it’s hard to think of anyone else, and if you do you think they wouldn’t care anyway.  The truth is, suicide is always going to affect more than the person carrying out the act.  My Mum rings me everyday, if I don’t text her back she worries.  She still comes to Doctors appointments and asks me everyday to stay strong.  She worries constantly and it’s my fault because I made her watch her own daughter try to end her life.  I can’t imagine as a Mother what it would feel like to know that the person you brought into this world wanted to leave it.

For people who are feeling like I did, Suicide is not the answer.  Think of everyone you love, think of all the people who are supporting you, all the people that have every helped you.  You are letting them down if you choose this option, you have to fight and you have to stay strong.  It’s hard and tiring and there are times when you will contemplate ending it all but it’s about getting passed those times and taking joy from anything around you, enjoy the little things in life.  A life is an enormous gift and so much can be done with it, you weren’t put onto this planet just to waste that chance. Live and find happiness because it is there, don’t let that dark voice in your head win, be stronger than Suicide.