I can’t believe it’s been a whole week since I last posted. Things all roll into one when you’re ill and in bed all week. It’s been a really bad week for me depression wise and chronic fatigue wise. The week started with me receiving a letter that said I was unsuccessful with me application for PIP benefit. I’ve been on PIP for two years since I had to quit working due to my depression and it’s something that I really value because I am too ill to work at the minute, I’ve tried and the money from the benefits gives me a little bit of independence and a lot of support to live my life. Reading through the decision letter was something that triggered my depression big time because it was such an unfair decision. I am still really angry and disappointed that I’ve been judged as I have. I’d had a face to face assessment with a person who was not medically trained at home, because my anxiety prevents me travelling into town. The assessor had stated that I seemed fine in person and did not seem anxious at all which is completely ridiculous! I don’t know how anyone can pretend to know what anxiety looks like if they don’t suffer with it, it’s different for everyone! I hadn’t slept for three nights before that assessment, I was sweating heavily and could only give one word answers because I was so nervous, I was continually pinching myself throughout because that’s how I handle stress, by hurting myself in some way. Maybe if I’d pulled a knife out and started cutting in front of the assessor she would have thought I was anxious then!
The letter went on to say that my medication appeared affective because I basically had not attempted suicide in the past two years. This outraged me and made me seriously doubt the future of my country. It is so easy for some people to get benefits, people who go on jobseekers who don’t look for work and live off the benefits nicely for the rest of their life. I cannot get benefits because they think my mental health is stable, because I haven’t tried to kill myself lately and it’s really hurtful. The whole assessment and decision letter was based on the physical side of illness, the mental side of illness was completely ignored and I can really relate to the issues many people suffering with mental health go through when trying to get financial help. Mental illness should be given the same rights as physical illness, it isn’t any less suffering because you can’t see it! I feel let down by my government and country, I feel betrayed and not cared for. I’ve been ignored and refused something that I should be eligible for, simply because mental illness isn’t recognised the same way physical illness is.
So my week started off badly and as a result, my depression was worse than it’s been in a long time. I felt useless, lost and so stressed about life. Tuesday the doctor rang and told me I’ve got a b12 deficiency so now I have to take tablets for that, which explains why my fatigue has been so much worse the past month. To top the week off, I caught a cold. It sounds so stupid, the common cold made me bed ridden for three days. My immune system has been so weak since my chronic fatigue came on, I catch bugs so easily and I just can’t fight them off. I caught the cold of my mum who got over it in two days and here I am, five days in and I’ve only just been able to get out of bed, and that’s only to lie on the sofa. It’s really hard getting bugs with chronic fatigue because on a normal day, I feel ill, achy, fatigued and brain fogged so adding a cold to that is just awful, it completely flawed me and I couldn’t fight it off. So Christmas is going to be an illness filled one this year as usual.
It’s been a terrible week and it’s hard to believe anything well get better right now, my depression is in its element and I’m devastated that I have to live like this. I’ve just got to hold on to the little things that make my life worth the fight, like my fiancé who loves me, my family who love and support me and the hope that one day, I won’t have to fight so hard just to live.