Forgiveness

Forgiveness

I came across a question today “How easy is it to forgive those who have caused you pain?” and it made me think about all the people in my life who have hurt me and how that’s had an impact on the person I am today.  My depression is definitely tied to my self esteem, which has been knocked down further and further over the years by people who have made me feel not good enough.  It’s too easy to hurt people and I’ve had too many encounters to remember but the ones I do remember, they had an affect. So to those people, I address this post.

To the girls at school.  I had a hard time fitting in, I wasn’t as girly or outgoing as most of the girls, I preferred reading and playing imaginary games with myself. Because I was different, maybe I stood out more, maybe that’s why you picked on me.  I never wanted that attention, I wanted to be normal and fit in but you wouldn’t let me.  You sniggered behind my back, made jokes about my clothes.  You made it a point to not sit at the same table as me, sometimes leaving me completely alone while every other table was full.  It was fun to you, you didn’t care that it hurt me, that it made me feel disgusting. I was quiet and shy so you’d make it your mission to embarrass me and put attention on me.  You always picked me last for teamwork, and then ignored me completely.  You made it hard to go to school some days.  I still find it hard to be around groups of girls because I worry they’ll talk about me, that they’ll think I’m weird.  I still get frustrated that I’m not more girly and feminine and I worry that people don’t like me and that I’ll never fit in.  You made me a less confident person.  As a teenage, it’s hard and it’s easy to pick on other people for amusement but what you do can have lasting effects and it can hurt.

To the person I trusted.  You were the first person who made me feel like I fit in somewhere, and that I could trust someone.  You made me happier and livelier, you brought me out of my shell.  I let you in on my most private thoughts and worries.  I don’t know what happened, maybe I played a part in it and maybe I deserve some of the blame for the way things ended but I didn’t deserve what you did after.  You broke my trust and used my innermost worries and thoughts against me, you told other people my insecurities and manipulated them.  You made me cry myself to sleep, you made me pick up the knife for the first time and cut myself.  You made me hate myself so much that I didn’t want to be here anymore, you gave me confidence issues and issues with the way I look that will stay with me for the rest of my life.  You destroyed me more than you know and more that I’ve ever admitted.  Trust is easily broken and you broke mine and threw it in my face.

To my Dad.  You were my best friend, the person I could always count on.  You taught me a lot of things and made my childhood the best I could have asked for.  You were the perfect father until Mum left you.  I know it hurt, I know it nearly destroyed you but I was there.  I helped you, I made the effort and stood up for you.  I made it hard for Mum because I wanted her to hurt, I wanted to make it better for you.  In the end though, you left me.  You walked out of my life when I needed you, when I was confused and angry.  You made your life a priory and the life of your children second best.  You were part of the reason I tried to kill myself for the first time.  You didn’t care that I was sick, you didn’t care that I had tried to take my own life and that rejection affected who I am today because I will never feel good enough again.  I felt like no one would want me if my own father didn’t.  I’m broken because you ripped out a part of my heart.  You’re trying to make up for it now, and I’ll give you the second chance but that rejection and abandonment will never fade, I will always feel unimportant and rejected.  You make me expect disappointment from every person I meet.

Those are the three moments of my life I believe had a real affect on who I am today.  My self esteem and opinion of myself is low because I let these experiences effect me.  I wish I could have been stronger and I wish I could tell my past self to stay strong and ignore what others do and say but I can’t.  Do I forgive these people for hurting me?  Yes I do.  It’s hard but resentment will not help me, it will not make me better.  I forgive these people, sometimes we don’t know our actions can seriously harm others.  I forgive the people who hurt me, I just won’t every forget them or their actions and that’s the sad part.